The History Of Jay Belin...

Editor's Note: This abridged history of yours truly comes courtesy of Johnny Beach who took time out of his busy day to poke some fun at my calendar. Please note that all the words in CAPS are actual bands on my current schedule. God bless that rambling idiot we call Cobretti and God Bless America.

When people glance at Jay Belin walking down the street, literally MOVING MOUNTAINS at each step....they wonder how did he become such a star? AMERICANS far and wide ponder this question everyday....how did this one man become AS TALL AS LIONS? And why the fuck did he still have a PONYTAIL in 2008?

The history of Jay Belin is an interesting one, and only recently did he have anything to do in the music industry. He moved to New York from Brazil 2 years ago where he was helping to fight THE WAR ON DRUGS. Brazilian pirates were collecting a BIG RIVER RANSOM all throughout the Amazon, encompassing several different BODIES OF WATER, and threatening the extinction of THOSE LAVENDER WHALES that could only be found in the Amazon region. The Evil Wizard RA RA RASPUTIN had also polluted the soil of the region, and Jay founded THE JAGUAR CLUB to help save the Jaguar population of the region as well.

One day as Jay was walking through the jungle, the STUMBLEBUM BRASS BAND were playing an impromptu set and Mr. Belin was inspired to have a career in music. He put on his trusty set of CRYSTAL ANTLERS and his lucky elephant tooth made of 100% pure THRIVING IVORY and decided he was going to blaze a new trail. He'd fought enough WARLOCKS of the Amazon and was ready to make a move.

His other lifelong dream, inspired by the novel THE HEIST & THE ACCOMPLICE had been to drive THE ZAMBONIS for an NHL Hockey team, but he wasn't sure that would lend him enough money to live his lavish lifestyle.

But after further thought he decided it was time to move to America, with his girlfriend RECKLESS KELLY and using NATALIE PORTMAN's SHAVED HEAD as his inspiration, cut off his PONYTAIL and moved to BALTHROP, ALABAMA. Why Balthrop? Well there was a ROCKETSHIP PARK there that peaked his interest. It wasn't long before he relocated to New York City and well folks....the rest of the story you already know. Except the REHAB part....cause that hasn't happened yet!